I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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