Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
