so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
