is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
