if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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