Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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