I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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