i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
