Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
