I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You pole danced in your parka.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
