My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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