just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
