i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
