Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
