Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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