You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
