you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
