Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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