remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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