he wants to bone in the snuggie
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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