I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
