an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
