I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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