I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
