Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
