I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
