I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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