We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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