Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
