the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
