every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sorry my hands just texted you
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
