we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
