then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
