On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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