he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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