dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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