I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize