i need an iv and a liver transplant
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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