I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
