i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
