2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Congratulations! We have a period
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