i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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