ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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