I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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