A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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