I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
