Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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