I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
