he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize