No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
