Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
