Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
