Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
