after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize