Swine flu. Run for my life!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
