I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
