super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
