Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She told me I should be a condom model.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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