im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Welp...herpes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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